Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
You Might Also Like
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
This forever.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
And that about sums it up.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you