coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I put the hot in psychotic.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.