When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you