They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m being attacked 😭
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?