I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Ion see the issue
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?