I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?