*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks