I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Breaking news:
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.