Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.