If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.