I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Wait a minute…
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
same bro
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.