ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.