Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
What a year we’ve had this week.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.