Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
do horses think humans are hats
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
this makes me so uncomfortable