“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.