Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING