I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.