Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
You Might Also Like
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit