I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me after drinking all the wine:
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.