I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”