hmm conte-me mais
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.