God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
first you must answer his riddles
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator