Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Nomnomnomnom
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*