“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.