“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
How to draw a duck
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.