Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*