The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer