Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
23. the denim jacket
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
What the dentist sees
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits