Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Breaking news:
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.