It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
You Might Also Like
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”