Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
bias laundering edition