wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!