my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
DOOO EEEET
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party