BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’