The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.