i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?