Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
You Might Also Like
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.