PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.