I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Not helping
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back