Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters