Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.