DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*