her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Florida be like…
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*power walks to the refrigerator*