Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Every damn time
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.