Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.