Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
pictures of spider-man