[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we鈥檇 all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it鈥檚 gonna be close
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Standing at life鈥檚 crossroads: embarking on a master鈥檚 degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today鈥檚 market.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it鈥檚 the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn鈥檛 be hell then would it
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Big brouhaha at the farmer鈥檚 market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.