my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Well, shit
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Merica.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?