The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood