What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.